So today I'm thinking a lot about acceptance. Accepting the bad shit that has happened to me over the years. Accepting the bad shit I've done over the years. Accepting that some people will never change while others will, and not always for the better. I am accepting responsibility for my actions and behaviors, regardless of who or how they were taught to me. I got a rough start. I learned defense mechanisms that are more harmful than helpful. I coped the best I could as a kid and carried it with me into adulthood. None of that is my fault. But none of it is an excuse to carry on in such a way that is detrimental to myself and those I care about. I'm a big girl now. I know what I don't like about myself. And it's on no one but me to change it. So I accept that I need to change and that it will take time and effort. The path will be difficult, filled with tears, and frightening at times. But the end will be that much more spectacular when I get there, because I will have made it through. I will have stuck to it.
The other side of this acceptance is letting go. All the things that have happened to me, everything that I was taught, the only way to change myself is to let all of it go. As angry and hurt and scared as these incidents and people made me, it's over now. I can't hang onto it.
Anger. That right there is the emotion I hold on to the most. And I direct it all at myself, no matter who or what the cause. I have to let it go. The thought terrifies me. But I so want to see who I am without the rage that I carry with me. I want to know who I can be. I think she's probably a really sweet and fun-loving person. I think she'll be positive and happy and warm. I've seen bits and pieces of her throughout my life. I like her.
But knowing what I have to do is the easy part. Now the work begins...