morbidmusings (morbidmusings) wrote,

I Swear, I Really AM Back

I strayed. I changed. I grew. I failed. I succeeded. I hurt. I smiled. I cried.

Things are so different than when I first started this thing. Then I was full of renewed hope and so many dreams. I had goals that I just knew I'd succeed at. Things were going to finally start going my way. Everything's coming up roses.

That didn't happen. Inevitably, life throws you curve balls. It seemed these curves became steeper and more perilous with every year. But I've come through them all. That changes a person.

At this point, it isn't that life is getting any more difficult, it's pretty much always been an uphill climb for me. Something that I got myself into through no real fault of anyone else. I made bad decisions, trusted the wrong people, and stubbornly stuck to my guns in some situations where I should have let go. I made this life for myself. I'm not about to throw blame around. But I digress. My point is, life continues to be hard, but it *feels* worse and worse with every curve. It's because I'm letting it all get to me. I'm tired. I miss those dreams. I've lost my motivation and enthusiasm because those dreams all seem to be hopeless now. When you give up on your goals and dreams, you feel the bad more and the good less. That is my problem these days. And it's put me in a vicious cycle.

So just when I felt that I was at my darkest. Just when I was about to throw my hands up and succumb to the bad place in my head, that tiny, stubborn, voice way in the back of my brain yelped out, "WAIT!" And it was enough to clear my mind for a few precious moments. I asked for help. I'm seeing a therapist again. That's step one. I'm forcing myself into a daily writing habit. That's step two. And then, step three. I'm turning off my emotions and looking at the issues I'm facing in a cold, logical manner. Life doesn't suck. Life, at this moment, has myriad problems that need solving. My job is to solve them, not to wallow in them. Problems don't get solved when you're curled up in bed.

Am I always successful at this? Of course not. That's where the therapy and family/friend support system come in. But I'm giving it my all. I'm fighting. And though I can't quite see those old dreams yet, I know they're still there waiting for me. I just have to put in the effort to see them. I have a lot of garbage to clean up. All I can do is pick up that broom and have at it.

I'm telling you all this for two reasons. For me, there is no therapy like writing therapy. That means writing fiction, writing my private thoughts down in my hard copy journal at home, and writing my public thoughts here in cyberspace. Each of these outlets is crucial to cleaning up the garbage that has accumulated around my feet the last 3 years or so. Garbage I put there. Garbage I have to get rid of myself. Second, I have always been a very social person. I feel like I lost a lot of that. Putting myself out here again, reading the thoughts of friends and peers and getting comments from friends and peers on my thoughts, all of that is also a part of this process. My aim is to get back on my feet, get back to that place where life may not have been easy, but it was at least full of potential.

I may not be able to post every day, but it will be often. And I want to thank you all in advance for playing a role in pulling the old me out of this negative mess that I've become.

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