January 4th, 2012

sleepy boo

Back to Reality

Happy 2012 LJers! Hope everyone enjoyed ringing in the new year. My sweetness and I had a mellow celebration with the kiddos. I made a ton of junk food and we watched movies. Kids were both out by 11:30, so then we had some adult time to continue our Sons of Anarchy marathon. (We finished, by the way. All 4 seasons in a little over a week. Yes, we're crazy. And yes, we're hooked!) We did toast midnight with two shots of tequila (the only alcohol I had, if you can believe it). It was peaceful. I was happy. Two very good feelings to start off the new year with.

My office was closed on Monday and I took Tuesday off, so today is my first day back at the grind. And what a busy day it's turning out to be. Better than boredom, at least the time is ticking by. My long weekend (started with Friday, office was closed) was full and exhausting, but fun for the most part. I did get some writing in, the book is coming along nicely. I was hit with some inspiration that will help to move the plot along. I love when plot holes resolve themselves. Sometimes it just hits me, usually when I'm trying to fall asleep.

But with the end of my time off came some disappointing news. It has nothing to do with me, at least not directly, but it involves a dear friend and someone I used to call a dear friend. I'm not going to go into details, since it's no one's business, but I would like to make a couple of statements.

People often talk about improving their lives. Hell, that's all I've been talking about lately. Different people have different issues, but a step often taken is the culling of friends. Everyone knows at least one person they could live without. That person who does nothing to enrich our lives and only serves to cause problems. Some of us have more than one. These could be people we've known forever, people we used to trust with our lives. People change. Things happen. Eventually we must move on. And I'm all for that. I've cut more than one person out of my life and I'm happy to say that in every case, my life improved. But I think that also has to do with the fact that I own my shit.

I am not perfect. I have hurt people in the past, usually unintentionally, but yes, sometimes I knew what I was doing. I like to think that in each case, though, the person on the other end of my intentional infliction had it coming. I'm sure that's all a matter of perspective. Sometimes I had to hurt people in order to take care of myself, and in those cases, as necessary as it was, it pained me as well. Still does. But I've always been honest with myself and the people I love.

I say all of this because there are some people who cut off friends and associates for the wrong reasons. These people have to be honest with themselves before they can point fingers at others. Some people want to believe so fully in someone or someones that they love that they end up alienating those who have always been there for them, those that truly love them. Naivety is to blame in some cases. Sometimes folks are blind just because it makes things easier. In the end, though, these people all end up the same. Alone. Or surrounded by people who only care about them as long as it benefits their interests. You can cry all you want about cutting off those who are poisonous, but before you do so, perhaps you should take a look at your own venom. Take off the blindfold you wear so willingly and look around. Why are you where you are right now? Certainly not the fault of those you turned your back on.

I'm not sure why I'm spouting all of this right now. I know the people who need to hear this either won't, or are so consumed by pride and fear that they will reject it anyway. I guess I just feel bad. I feel bad for all involved. So much hurt caused for nothing. It's a damn shame. Decades of friendship blown away in the breeze on the whim of people whose agendas are selfish.

At least I can say that everything I've done, everything I've said, has always been with the best intentions. I've always looked out for my friends. And I always stand up for what's right. I'm loyal to a fault, which is probably why I feel so shitty about this situation. My loyalties were pulled in so many different directions that my only option was to do what was right. But when what's right goes against what "friends" want, you end up being rejected. And that's ok. Because I can hold my head high. And I know who my true friends are. They may not always agree with what I say and do, but they're there for me regardless. And if ever they should have a problem with me, they come to me with it. They talk to me about it. We figure it out together. We don't rely on what others say to make our decisions. So yeah, losing friends we were once so close to may hurt, but when you lose them in this way, at least they've saved you the trouble of having to cull them yourself. Everyone shows their true colors eventually.