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Finally, Something Interesting!
We interrupt this regularly scheduled blog for something a little more interesting. Friend and fellow writer, murnkay has written an essay just for my readers! Read, laugh, enjoy... then go buy his new short story collection, Crazy Little Things!

~Meg

There comes a time when you feel that maybe, just maybe, you get to call yourself a writer and not be embarrassed by it. You know how that goes. At first you haven't sold anything but you mean to and your friends tend to be all "Oh well, Bob is a writer," but you shake your head and protest it saying that you are hardly a writer you're just a guy who's trying to get there.

Then you sell your first story and you still hesitate, because it is only one story after all.

Then a second, third and fourth happen. But the ego is still fragile. We all have such fragile egos under the layers of snark, don't we? So then you sell a collection, or a series or a book.

And you say it out loud.

"Oh? What do I do? Well I have a day job, of course, but really I'm a writer. It just doesn't pay well, you know how it is."

And you realize you've outed yourself on some level. This is like dropping your pants to strangers. But you did it. And it didn't hurt, they didn't laugh and hey you're a writer!

That's wonderful! Congratulations! Now everyone you know will ask you certain things for the REST OF YOUR NATURAL LIFE. Here is a handy list along with helpful answers:

Can you read this for me? - Always a popular one, you will get asked this between once a week and once a day. You want to say no. You have to say no, in fact. Because if you say yes you will quickly go crazy. You say yes only to friends of yours who also write and whose work you enjoy. Otherwise you say no. You just have to find a nice way to say it. Screaming and running is not a nice way.

"Oh... I'm really busy, could you wait a while? I'll let you know." is a favorite. So is "Have you heard the word of Jesus yet? I have some pamphlets!" That tends to get people to leave quickly, I find. Unless Mormons are asking you to read their fiction. In which case don't bring up the J-Diggity. It won't go as planned.

Oh, do you know [Big Famous Writer]? Of course you don't. I mean, unless you do, but there are a lot of writers out there. It's like asking if you know anyone else from NY, since you're from there. Oh Jimmy, with the head? Yeah, we hang.

So what do you say? If you just say "No, of course not you fucking fool!" you come off harsh, and possibly hyper. But you can't lie. Well, you can, but you shouldn't. No I think the proper response is "Not personally, but you never know who you'll run into, am I right?" Adding "Am I right?" at the end makes you seem like a jerk, so people won't ask that again.

If you don't get paid much, why do you do it? See the honest answer is "I have a sickness." but no one wants to hear that. They want to hear "I love it," or "I'm just stupid that way," or "I fuck your mom for money, so why not write in my spare time?"

The third answer! Go for the third answer!

Why don't you sell more? There is only one answer to this. "Why isn't your dick bigger?" Then you apologize to your mother and say you didn't mean it, but that question riles you.

Where do your ideas come from? This is the single worst question ever invented. No matter what answer you will get eye rolls and sighs. If you answer honestly: I don't know, they will think you are telling lies. If you make up some bullshit about dreams, and taking from life's tapestries they will think you are telling lies. If you are really and truly honest they will never ever buy it: Everything everywhere, because that's my fucking job.

So instead just answer "Your mom." When they laugh and say "No, really." nod and say "No. Really. Bitch got all sorts of books up there. Like the library of Alexandria is hidden around her ovaries. Not to say she's loose but day-um." and then walk away whistling.

I do hope these have helped.

- Adam P. Knave has written far too many things. Most recently CRAZY LITTLE THINGS, a collection of 12 stories filled with humor, snark, horror, SF and Fantasy.